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Grandmom..

..Grandmom at her 86th birthday in September..

I was 19, not married, recently dropped out of college, and living with my parents when I got pregnant with Bellinda. Having a baby was THE last thing I thought would happen to me. I was young and having way too much fun. My parents found out and demanded I give it up. I refuse and left home. My dad called me and insisted I go through the "shame" of telling my Grandmoom myself. You see. Both my parents worked all my life. My grandmom basically raised me. The morning I walked into my Grandmom's house. I remember she was sitting there. Crocheting and watching her Chinese dramas on TV. I sat down besides her and told her there was something I needed to tell her. She looked at me. And like a light bulb going off. Her eyes told me she knew. But there was no shame. She didn't scold me for being so foolish. Or make me feel bad . No words said. I just sat there crying and she allowed me. In the end she said " Everything will be alright. I promise."

Grandmom's health slowly became worst after that year. She started having memory lapse, and her Alzheimer gradually got worst. When Bellinda arrived. She would hold Bellinda and kiss and kiss her. She loved her first great grand baby like no other. By the time Ava arrived 6 years later. I almost always had to reintroduce her to her second great grand baby.

When Bellinda turned 4. Grandmom's health became even worse. EVERY fall she'd become extremely ill, and would need to be rushed to the emergency room. So at the end of every September, we would prepare ourselves. I remember last year. When the Phillies were on their way to playing in the world series and eventually winning it. My grandmom once again was admitted to the hospital. I visited her everyday and sat with her like I did all those other times. I'd sit with her and assure her it was ok. I'd sit with her while she napped. You see. She wouldn't sleep because she was scared we would leave her. She told me. " I like being in the hospital" I asked why. She responds, " Everyone visits me and brings me gifts." It was comical but so sad at the same time. By this point her Alzheimer was so bad. Some days she'd turn to me and ask why she was staying in this hotel. She'd ask me multiple times a day. I would say "Grandmom. You're not at a hotel. We are in a hospital. " Then she'd ask did you have your baby yet? " At this point Ava was already 6 months old. But she'd ask me some days if I found out yet what I was carrying. So these were just one of those questions that I expected from her. And I'd smile and reassure her once again that it's ok . I'd sit there and tell her stories of her great grand babies. Of all the new things they were learning every single day.

Last year we were told Grandmom has a slow leak in one of the valve in her heart. There's not much they can do. Medicate her. Keep her comfortable. She'll be fine!
Towards the end of summer this year. I kept saying to my dad. October is coming up you know what that means. We'd try to prepare ourselves. So this year. As the Phillies once again is on their way to playing in the world series. Daddy takes Grandmom to the doctors. Doc said her lungs are collapsing. She's not getting enough oxygen. We figured it's like all her other diagnosis. Make sure she takes her meds. Keep her comfortable. She'll be fine! Not this time. Can we give her oxygen? No. Can we change her meds? No. At this point. We just wait. Doc wants to gradually stop her medication. Our job? Let her eat what she enjoys, and keep her comfortable. They didn't give her a death sentence. But they didn't reasure us that we have plenty of time either. I thought that I would recieve this information as I have in the pass. But no. It's real this time. My grandmom is dying, and there's no way I can sit down with her. Crochet. Watch Chinese dramas , and say Grandmom. It's going to be alright. I promise.

Been a while.

Geez I haven't written anything in MONTHS ! How'd the time pass so fast?

No surprise, no followers yet. Are you out there??? If your reading can you click "follow" just so it wouldn't be so depressing when I log back on to check ? haha.

So I've kinda gone back and forth in the last few posts I have up. Not really sure what direction I should go ! So I've decided. To post about EVERYTHING ! I love shopping, and I love my kids. I love food ( maybe a little too much!) So expect to see updates with all these things!

For now.

I am obsessed with this place!



They are like Whole Foods, Trader Joes, and Wegmans all rolled into one. Not very big, but great to walk through! They have this AMAZING pumpkin Spice coffee. DE-lish!

Anyone that knows me. Knows that I am a TOTAL Bath & Body whore. I use nothing but their body wash and anti-bac hand soap, and have been for YEARS. When "Leaves" came out for this season. I was SO excited and couldn't wait to break out the anti-bac and Candle I bought.

The soap smelled AMAZING!




The Candle? So disappointed.



I am also in LOVE with this dish washing liquid. Smells so good, and really does keep me from
getting dishpan hands !



Well, I'll leave you on this note. I thought it was pretty funny. Clearly states " this is not junk mail " on the envelope, but YET they are CLEARY trying to sell me something . Now if I don't need thier product, and it's cluttering my mailbox. Is it not INDEED junk mail? As you can see I ripped it THEN decided it was worthy of a photo.

I * heart * photography..

I love photography.. I love playing w/ my macro settings. Just snapping pictures of the simplest things in our lives. I do not own a fancy camera ( even though I really do want one ) I just happily snap away on my 8.1 megapixal Sony Cybershot.

I take it everywhere with me..

The aquarium..






Just hanging out in the yard..


Atlantic City..



Philly Premium Outlets..


One snowy night..


Quiet cafe..


Comcast Center..



Sky Wheel @ Niagara Falls..



I also LOVE food porn!







Flowers also make great photography..





But my favorite subject of all are of course my kids !!










As you can see.
I have not received any formal training, even thought I would love to one day.
I am amazed by some of the photography I see.
Hopefully one day I will be just as talented.

Little things...

Growing up.
My mom was a total clean freak while we were growing up. She was very particular as to what she wanted , and how she wanted her children to be. Our house was always clean, and everything was in it's place. But like any other teenager. My room was NEVER clean. Everyone that came over to the house would say how clean and nice our house was. And I was proud.

When I moved out at 19 with my husband.
I was the same way with our house. I cleaned CONSTANTLY. The house was immaculate ( except for our room of course ! ) But then I had Bellinda. I developed this crazy fear of GERMS. I mean I was always real clean about everything. Washed my hands constantly. Bleach was my best friend. Purell was my buddy. And it really all started with the littlest thing. I refused to go to bed, or allow my husband in bed without taking a shower first. BUT I had to be the first one to take a shower, because I couldnt' stand the thought of getting into a used tub. then after my shower I'd make a beeline to my bed. Just so that I'm not getting any dirt or dust on my feet. Little things.

When Bellinda was 5 we bought a new house , and I insisted that we buy ONLY white towels so i had the ability to bleach them.. Then the white towels went onto white bedding so that those can also be bleached. And then came the clorox/lysol wipes that I attacked EVERY surface with. Antibacterial soap is at every sink in the house. I started refusing to use or take Bellinda to public toilets unless it was a true emergency, or my husband was there to take her. When I got pregnant w/ Ava. I freaked out because that meant I would have to stay at a hospital. I made sure none of my belongings touched that hospital room floor. This is also when the travel purell was literally everywhere. I have one in every purse and daiper bag. So I would never be without it. Full bottle in our cars. Little Things.

I won't take my kids to the park, or hold the hand rails in the malls. If they play with other children I watch them like a hawk so they don't share juicy cups, or food. Then I scrub them down as soon as we get home. If Bellinda takes a bubble bath, I make her take a shower AFTER wards.

When we go to my mom's house ( remember my clean freak nuerotic mom?) I feel disgusted. I won't shower there, and I dread having to sleep over. She recently said to me. That at 27 if I feel this way. What will happen when I'm 38? What will I do when that day comes when I can't leave my house because I'm so disgusted of the germs.

Little things right?

Sliding Doors..

Have you ever wondered what could have been? The people you turned away in your life.. The opportunities you turned down.. Those days were you left home just 2 minutes later then usual, or stopped to pick up that pack of gum? I hate the "WHAT IF". There has been many in my life..

I apologize to anyone who is reading this out there !! Posts will be less depressing !! =) I am a happy girl !!

Identity..

Am I a mother ? Should I be posting blogs about my 2 girls.. My daily challenges of finding my own identity. In the mix of carpooling, summer reading, potty training, tripping over toys, and wrangling my 7 yr old & 15 month old into the back seat of my 2 door coupe. Do I talk about the great deals i got on daipers, and the tricks I've learned from motherhood?

Am I a wife? Should I rant about my husband . How he didn't even noticed that I bought all the ingredients to make his favorite meal. How he completely forgot to get me a mother's day/birthday/anniversary card, but sheepishly gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me more then any card or gift can represent. How he at the same time can make me regret ever marrying, but also do that cute little thing he does that reminds me of how much I love him, and couldn't imagine life with someone else?


Or am I still ME.. To have the endless budget I had once upon a time. Before the kids & the mortgage. Post pictures of all wonderful things I bought on my last rampage at the shops, and swoon over things I plan on getting. The endless hours I can spend just walking through Sephora. The endless nights being fabulous over Veuve-Clicquot , Cran & Stoli O., oh my.

Who am I ?