Thursday, April 22, 2010

7 days.

The last 7 days feels like it's been 7 years, but it all felt like it passed in 7 minutes. 

I've told the story of what happened too many times, so maybe next time I'll sit down and rewrite it.  So one day. If the memories start to get foggy I can come back here.  And relive it. ( sounds kinda morbid huh? )

Well, My grandmom finally left us.  7 days ago.  I'm still in denial.  This whole experience is so surreal.  I never imagined it would hurt SO much.  Everyday that passes. I think to myself. Wow Grandmom woulda have loved today. Look how beautiful it is.  Or when my babies learn something new. I'm sad that she won't know.  Before all this. I was set on having another baby next year, but now?  I couldn't imagine having another child and having them NOT have met her.  I know my life needs to continue.  I know even though she's gone, that as long as she's in our hearts she'll never be truly gone .  I know time heals everything.  I know all those cliches.  But how can time heal the pain, when every minute that passes I miss her more? 

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Shut down.

I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to see anything.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
Or go anywhere.
I don't want to hear your news.
Or care what's going on .
I just want my grandmom back.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Why April?

Why April ?  Is that selfish for me to ask?

The first BEST April I ever had was in 2002.  April 7th to be exact.  My Bellinda was born at 1:33AM.  My second April?  April 10th, 2008.  That was when my Ava was born at 11:35AM.  April has always been a great month fo me.  How can you complain?  It's the end of months of miserable winter.  EASTER!  Flowers are starting to bloom.  Sure there's alot of rain, but the weather actually making it out of the 40's or in this years case.  Even reaching into the 90's, and the best reason of all? I have 2 perfectly wonderful excuses to just celebrate.  But this April? Amidst of planning Easter dinner with the in laws, planning my girl's birthday parties, baking cupcakes, and stuffing treat bags for the big girls class room birthday party, and let's throw spring cleaning in the mix just for shits and giggles. Amidst all this insanity.  I spend days bursting into tears.  Days sitting in a hospital room turning into now nights in a hospice.  My grandmom laying there with a death sentence.  I was informed last week she has a brain tumor.  A BRAIN TUMOR?!  At 86?!  WHY??  How can this be? 

I'm over the crying. I'm over the inappropriate outbursts.  So what do I do ? I throw myself into cleaning. Since I woke up this morning, this is the first of me sitting.  I remember when my grandpop died 3000 miles away. My dad got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  He goes, and comes back to bed. Tells my mom " funny . I swear i just saw Dad . "  He said my grandpop sat on the vanity. Healthy. Young. Smiling. 45 minutes later. We get a call saying my grandpop passed away.  (insert goosebumps).  So today. After manically cleaning my house and working myself into a sweaty mess I jump in the shower.  As I'm standing there I'm gripped with fear. What if I open the shower curtains and there. Sitting is my grandmom. Healthy. Young. Smiling.  I panicked.  Could I really just stand in the shower until my husband came home? Alas, I turned of the water, and pulled away the curtain and....... There sitting ....  Is my towel.   Silly me.

So why April?  If the inevitable happens.  WHY APRIL?  Why do I forever have to associate the 2 most beautiful days of my life, with one of the saddest?  Is that so selfish?