Thursday, April 8, 2010

Why April?

Why April ?  Is that selfish for me to ask?

The first BEST April I ever had was in 2002.  April 7th to be exact.  My Bellinda was born at 1:33AM.  My second April?  April 10th, 2008.  That was when my Ava was born at 11:35AM.  April has always been a great month fo me.  How can you complain?  It's the end of months of miserable winter.  EASTER!  Flowers are starting to bloom.  Sure there's alot of rain, but the weather actually making it out of the 40's or in this years case.  Even reaching into the 90's, and the best reason of all? I have 2 perfectly wonderful excuses to just celebrate.  But this April? Amidst of planning Easter dinner with the in laws, planning my girl's birthday parties, baking cupcakes, and stuffing treat bags for the big girls class room birthday party, and let's throw spring cleaning in the mix just for shits and giggles. Amidst all this insanity.  I spend days bursting into tears.  Days sitting in a hospital room turning into now nights in a hospice.  My grandmom laying there with a death sentence.  I was informed last week she has a brain tumor.  A BRAIN TUMOR?!  At 86?!  WHY??  How can this be? 

I'm over the crying. I'm over the inappropriate outbursts.  So what do I do ? I throw myself into cleaning. Since I woke up this morning, this is the first of me sitting.  I remember when my grandpop died 3000 miles away. My dad got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  He goes, and comes back to bed. Tells my mom " funny . I swear i just saw Dad . "  He said my grandpop sat on the vanity. Healthy. Young. Smiling. 45 minutes later. We get a call saying my grandpop passed away.  (insert goosebumps).  So today. After manically cleaning my house and working myself into a sweaty mess I jump in the shower.  As I'm standing there I'm gripped with fear. What if I open the shower curtains and there. Sitting is my grandmom. Healthy. Young. Smiling.  I panicked.  Could I really just stand in the shower until my husband came home? Alas, I turned of the water, and pulled away the curtain and....... There sitting ....  Is my towel.   Silly me.

So why April?  If the inevitable happens.  WHY APRIL?  Why do I forever have to associate the 2 most beautiful days of my life, with one of the saddest?  Is that so selfish?

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