Thursday, October 22, 2009


..Grandmom at her 86th birthday in September..

I was 19, not married, recently dropped out of college, and living with my parents when I got pregnant with Bellinda. Having a baby was THE last thing I thought would happen to me. I was young and having way too much fun. My parents found out and demanded I give it up. I refuse and left home. My dad called me and insisted I go through the "shame" of telling my Grandmoom myself. You see. Both my parents worked all my life. My grandmom basically raised me. The morning I walked into my Grandmom's house. I remember she was sitting there. Crocheting and watching her Chinese dramas on TV. I sat down besides her and told her there was something I needed to tell her. She looked at me. And like a light bulb going off. Her eyes told me she knew. But there was no shame. She didn't scold me for being so foolish. Or make me feel bad . No words said. I just sat there crying and she allowed me. In the end she said " Everything will be alright. I promise."

Grandmom's health slowly became worst after that year. She started having memory lapse, and her Alzheimer gradually got worst. When Bellinda arrived. She would hold Bellinda and kiss and kiss her. She loved her first great grand baby like no other. By the time Ava arrived 6 years later. I almost always had to reintroduce her to her second great grand baby.

When Bellinda turned 4. Grandmom's health became even worse. EVERY fall she'd become extremely ill, and would need to be rushed to the emergency room. So at the end of every September, we would prepare ourselves. I remember last year. When the Phillies were on their way to playing in the world series and eventually winning it. My grandmom once again was admitted to the hospital. I visited her everyday and sat with her like I did all those other times. I'd sit with her and assure her it was ok. I'd sit with her while she napped. You see. She wouldn't sleep because she was scared we would leave her. She told me. " I like being in the hospital" I asked why. She responds, " Everyone visits me and brings me gifts." It was comical but so sad at the same time. By this point her Alzheimer was so bad. Some days she'd turn to me and ask why she was staying in this hotel. She'd ask me multiple times a day. I would say "Grandmom. You're not at a hotel. We are in a hospital. " Then she'd ask did you have your baby yet? " At this point Ava was already 6 months old. But she'd ask me some days if I found out yet what I was carrying. So these were just one of those questions that I expected from her. And I'd smile and reassure her once again that it's ok . I'd sit there and tell her stories of her great grand babies. Of all the new things they were learning every single day.

Last year we were told Grandmom has a slow leak in one of the valve in her heart. There's not much they can do. Medicate her. Keep her comfortable. She'll be fine!
Towards the end of summer this year. I kept saying to my dad. October is coming up you know what that means. We'd try to prepare ourselves. So this year. As the Phillies once again is on their way to playing in the world series. Daddy takes Grandmom to the doctors. Doc said her lungs are collapsing. She's not getting enough oxygen. We figured it's like all her other diagnosis. Make sure she takes her meds. Keep her comfortable. She'll be fine! Not this time. Can we give her oxygen? No. Can we change her meds? No. At this point. We just wait. Doc wants to gradually stop her medication. Our job? Let her eat what she enjoys, and keep her comfortable. They didn't give her a death sentence. But they didn't reasure us that we have plenty of time either. I thought that I would recieve this information as I have in the pass. But no. It's real this time. My grandmom is dying, and there's no way I can sit down with her. Crochet. Watch Chinese dramas , and say Grandmom. It's going to be alright. I promise.

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