Grandmom & Grandpop has visited everyone in their dreams. Except me. I've felt so left out. Perhaps they weren't proud of me while they were alive. Perhaps they didn't love me as much as I thought they did. People say perhaps they know how terrified I am at the thought of encountering anything that has passed on that they don't want to scare me. All these perhaps run through my mind. Finally I spoke to my dad over the weekend, and he admitted that grandmom hasn't visited him either. I didn't feel as alone anymore, because I know that grandmom KNEW he was her biggest supporter, and would have done anything for her.
Well, last night. She finally visited me, and not only her. She was with grandpop, and they were HAPPY! Something that was not true in life. But towards the end of Grandpops life I think he knew the mistakes me made, and I'd like to think he was sorry for them. So maybe even if they couldn't be happy and together in life. They can now . I remember telling myself I MUST remember this when I woke up, and I did. Albeit bits and pieces, but the most clear in my mind was of them. Smiling. My grandpop healthy and animated in his words & actions.
Speaking of my grandmom. It'll be a month this Saturday since she left us. I float through the week and repeat EVERY day the things that happened that awful week.
I get a call . Grandmom is getting kicked out of hospice. I'm LIVID. Apparently she's not dying fast enough. It's ridiculous I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I called the ENTIRE planet to see if there was ANYTHING I could possibly do. We were promised she'd have 2 weeks in hospice , and it's only been 1!! I called the director of the hospice, and made an appointment to see her that same afternoon.
Everyday before that afternoon grandmom was responsive. Even tried talking. She'd smile when the kids were there. She'd laugh when my dad cracked inappropriate jokes. I remember these things like they happened an hour ago. I will never forget her smile, it lit my heart. But that afternoon. She just laid there. Unresponsive . I spoke to the director. PLEADED with her. Promised her EVERYTHING, but nothing. There was nothing she could do. That the doctor just examined her, and even though she declared her in " multi organ failure". That this process could take " weeks ". Insurance won't pay for it. When she left. I sat there holding grandmom's hand crying my eyes out. I failed her. She wouldn't be able to be stay there comfortable. The next morning she would be transferred back to that awful nursing home.
TUESDAY: I spent most of the day running errands. Bellinda got her teeth cleaned. After I settled the kids I headed over to see grandmom. She was even worst then the day before. I sat there for nearly 7 hours that night. My brother Simon picked up my cousins from the airport and we sat there with grandmom. Angela and I silently crying. We finally tore ourselves away from Grandmom's bedside .
First thing in the morning we went to see grandmom. We later left, and tried to enjoy the nice weather. At around 5'oclock we got the call . "It's time. Hurry" We literally dropped what was in our hands and rushed out of the house. Arrived at the nursing center. Grandmom was struggling to breathe. EVERYONE was there minus 2 people that should have been. One was MIA in Germany the other? For what ever reason was not there, but what mattered was the rest of us WERE there. I saw people who always in my eyes were strong cry that day. I gained so much respect for those who I had no respect for prior to this. I was comforted through my haze of tears by my eight year old. The pain I felt was unbelievable. Though she hadn't left us yet. I was soooo scared for the moment when she would. A few hours passed, and tears turned into laughter. My family is all about the jokes. Especially my dad. We all sat around grandmom. Some praying other's joking. My cousins and brother and I sneaking off for cigarettes. Around 10 we went and got some dinner. Upon returning to grandmom's room. People started leaving. Two of my aunts stayed to pray. Angela, Richard, Simon & I stayed. This being my last moments with grandmom I was NOT leaving her. Her breathing became extremely labored at around midnight. Simon explained that she would go minutes without breathing. Her body would fill up with Carbon Dioxide were then her body would automatically force her to take quick labored breathes to clear the Carbon Dioxide out. All this happened as he said. Finally around 1:30AM her breathing became more shallow, and at 2AM it stopped. I didn't cry. We just sat there. The room was silent . no more labored breathing. No more joking. No more tears. I was numb. After a few hours the reality of it set in, and there were moments of hysteria. How could she be gone?? I was just chatting with her a few days ago. Where was that smile? The hand I was holding for days now cold.
We stayed with her till 8AM the next morning where we were my uncles show up sit with her . We headed home. Showered. and headed right back to grandmom to await the funeral home to come pick her up. My brother who's been strong through this whole ordeal was hysterical. We just hugged and cried while they put our grandmother in a body bag and wheeled her away. We went back out into the sunshine. It was such a beautiful day. I would have loved for grandmom to see it.
I spent most of the rest of the day getting pictures and stuff ready for her viewing. I went to the funeral home to make arrangements. Then at 3PM finally was able to head home and sleep. Took a 2 hour nap and it was time for dinner. After dinner we headed out to find some clothes for the kids to wear to their great grandmom's funeral. The situation in itself was bizarre to me.
Another beautiful morning. It was warm and sunny. The type of day Simon & I would drag grandmom out to eat w/ us in the yard. Instead Simon had a job interview, and we had to get our stuff ready for the viewing that evening. We ran our errands. Grabbed Bellinda from school early. Had lunch with the family. Then went home to get dressed.
The viewing was surreal. We prayed most the night. I caught up with a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. What a great turnout. I didn't cry, but I couldn't look at grandmom laying in her casket.
We awoke early. I was in a nasty mood. It was cloudy and chilly out. We headed over to the funeral home. AFTER all I had done. I believe I went beyond what was expected of me through out this whole ordeal I get into a altercation with my mom. It was no big deal, but I just couldn't deal anymore. I removed myself from the situation went outside and cried my eyes out. Collected myself. Went back in. Zombie'd through another prayer service and it was time to take grandmom to the crematorium.
The rest of the day really was a blur. Seeing them push grandmom into the incinerator. KNOWING she was gone. It's too much.
For the rest of my life. I will relive everyday of that week. I will allow myself to breath and relax on Sunday, but only to prepare my heart to break all over again on Monday.
It's been a month. I've been told time will heal the pain. But how come it doesn't feel that way? Seeing a picture of her. Speaking of her. Thinking of her. I miss her soo much. I wished I had visited her more when she was here. I wished I had cooked MORE for her. I wished I had taken more pictures and videos of her. I HOPE my girls will remember her forever.