Shut down.

I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to see anything.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
Or go anywhere.
I don't want to hear your news.
Or care what's going on .
I just want my grandmom back.

Why April?

Why April ?  Is that selfish for me to ask?

The first BEST April I ever had was in 2002.  April 7th to be exact.  My Bellinda was born at 1:33AM.  My second April?  April 10th, 2008.  That was when my Ava was born at 11:35AM.  April has always been a great month fo me.  How can you complain?  It's the end of months of miserable winter.  EASTER!  Flowers are starting to bloom.  Sure there's alot of rain, but the weather actually making it out of the 40's or in this years case.  Even reaching into the 90's, and the best reason of all? I have 2 perfectly wonderful excuses to just celebrate.  But this April? Amidst of planning Easter dinner with the in laws, planning my girl's birthday parties, baking cupcakes, and stuffing treat bags for the big girls class room birthday party, and let's throw spring cleaning in the mix just for shits and giggles. Amidst all this insanity.  I spend days bursting into tears.  Days sitting in a hospital room turning into now nights in a hospice.  My grandmom laying there with a death sentence.  I was informed last week she has a brain tumor.  A BRAIN TUMOR?!  At 86?!  WHY??  How can this be? 

I'm over the crying. I'm over the inappropriate outbursts.  So what do I do ? I throw myself into cleaning. Since I woke up this morning, this is the first of me sitting.  I remember when my grandpop died 3000 miles away. My dad got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  He goes, and comes back to bed. Tells my mom " funny . I swear i just saw Dad . "  He said my grandpop sat on the vanity. Healthy. Young. Smiling. 45 minutes later. We get a call saying my grandpop passed away.  (insert goosebumps).  So today. After manically cleaning my house and working myself into a sweaty mess I jump in the shower.  As I'm standing there I'm gripped with fear. What if I open the shower curtains and there. Sitting is my grandmom. Healthy. Young. Smiling.  I panicked.  Could I really just stand in the shower until my husband came home? Alas, I turned of the water, and pulled away the curtain and....... There sitting ....  Is my towel.   Silly me.

So why April?  If the inevitable happens.  WHY APRIL?  Why do I forever have to associate the 2 most beautiful days of my life, with one of the saddest?  Is that so selfish?

To forgive, but never forget.

So I found out recently that someone who once was my best friend in the world, is pregnant.  We are no longer friends.  It's sad that she's going through this without me, but I can't let go of the past.  I have lost 2 of my most favorite girls in the last 2 years.  They both are newly weds, and it's a high possibility that both might even be pregnant.  So what do I do ?  Do I forgive?  Forgiving is the easy part. It's the forgetting I just can't get a grip of.

Time to take out the trash

If I have never mentioned it before.  I HATE HATE HATE my neighbors..

When we first moved in.  She acted as though she wanted me practically part of the family. Told everyone how lucky she was to have had me move in next door.  That is was "destined" to be because we also shared the same name.  She invited me over for dinner every week.  She gave us stuff ( albeit used, but none the less).  It was truly awkward.  We'd have to make excuses up as to why we couldn't make it to dinner.  Not an easy feet considering our FRONT DOOR literally faces each other. 

THEN it just became ridiculous.  She started knocking on my door literally everyday.  Can I borrow some ice? I ran out of dish detergent for the washer, would you have some more?  What are you cooking? Smells great any extra?  Can I borrow your hose to wash my deck? my car? water my plants? (takes said hose and uses it. While it's still attached to my house).  These are all real things they've asked me for.  I never said one thing. Just bent over and gave it to them.  Even when they got yet ANOTHER dog, and her lazy, drug addicted, drunk of a lazy ass daughter started letting the lil rat shit on my lawn.  Still I said nothing. Just picked up the crap. 

They have 5 million cars that they park all over the place. In the recent blizzard we had.  They LITERALLY blocked in my husband's truck.  When the hubster went to leave for work 6 in the morning, he could not get out of the space.  So Ms. Bitch comes out w/ her keys, and TELLS my husband to MOVE HER CAR.  So he does and thanks her graciously.  She said "your welcome".  10 hours later, my husband comes home from work, and her husband comes over and says to him that HE SAW my husband BUMP his car. My husband said he really doesn't think so , if he did he would not have a problem apologizing for it. But he apologizes none the less. They are relentless !!  kept ragging on and on about it, and then says  " so I see how it is" . How WHAT is ?  I want to ask him !  And if in deed my husband BUMPED their truck. Why did the bitch bring the keys out ?? Why didn't she straight up say " hey you hit my truck !" and have the situation resolved?

There's SO much to this story that I have left out.  There's just tooo much to put down. But the point being is.  How is it possible that I've dealt w/ their shit for nearly 3 years, and this ONE incident they THOUGHT happened they chew my husbands ass our for it???  So now it's just plain uncomfortable.  I don't say anything to them.  but I hate walking around and feeling like I'M the asshole.  When it's so obviously THEY are.  They breezeway we share is a mess.  Their still assholes, and they are still gonna let their lil rat of a dog shit on my lawn.  FML

SPRING!!!

OMG.  FINALLY temps in the 50's !!

self expression..

I have always been super ..  I mean SUPER DUPER .. self conscious of what people thought of me.  How they felt about  me.  I am such a damn people pleaser.  I will bend over backwards to do something for someone, or try to say all the right things.   But like we were always told, there will always be someone that won't like who you are and / or what you do.  Those people I don't understand.  But there goes my people pleaser attitude again. WHY DO I CARE?! For every person that does not like me.  There is someone who LOVES me..  And that's what should matter.  I need to remind myself of that EVERY day. 

Jacks of many trades, but master of none.

So there has been MANY little craft projects I've always started and never finished.  It started all in highschool.  I started sketching.  Just pencil and charcoal stuff, but surprisingly I really got a knack for it !  I was referred to the head of the art department, but chickened out.  Though I drew, and I knew I was good.  I was afraid of judgement.  I didn't wannt hear the nay sayers. So. I hung my drawings in my room and left it at that. 

I also learned how to knit and crochet.  I WISHED I could say how great I got at it, but I can't. HA !  I learned many patterns, but I never graduated from anything but a scarf. SO my dad would get a hand made scarf by yours truly EVERY single Christmas.  It's become a tradition actually, and every year.  My aunts ask what I have done this year.

I've always been a decent cook.  I cook alot at home.  I have the knack to collect my favorite recipes from dishes I've tried from friends and family, and always took that extra step to make it my own.  Then I guard that recipe with my life.  Only sharing it with people I trusted.  Outrageous!  BUT  I never try to push myself to cook/bake anything that is out of my comfort zone.  So.  I continue to collect recipes, and cook dishes I grew up with. 

(seared pork chops w/ apple & onion stuffing. 1st attempt.  Not enough color, but was still DELICIOUS!)

(Broccoli Casserole before oven)

I've always had a knack to be just good enough, but never pushed myself to go any further. So my latest obsession? PAINTING.  I saw a painting my brother's girlfriend made for his Valentine's gift.  And so we made plans to get together and she'd walk me through my first painting.  I was scared. I'll admit. I am awesome at shading. But I never thought I'd be good with color.  I had a plan of attack, albeit a very ambitious plan of attack, an attack in the end.  I wanted to make 3 canvases of different ice cream cones for the baby's room, 3 canvases of various salt and pepper shakers for my kitchen, and a puzzle piece ( yikes ! ) for Bellinda's room.  Not only did I attack this project with gusto, I squeezed out one more for my one of my best friends. They are not Picasso's, but I'm not trying to be Picasso.  I'm trying to be ME. 

(Ava's room)

(Bellinda's puzzle piece)

(S&P shakers)

(My girly loves her ladybugs.)

 

Thought I feel SUPER ambitious at this point.  I really hope I can stay on this wagon for a lil while longer. I really enjoy it, and am crossing my fingers that I can get better!